Camp

I'm still grappling with the whole issue of camp. It seems like the more I think about it, the more conflicted I get. I can't describe what camp means to me, even though this past year was miserable for me and I got so incredibly frustrated, I still truly love the people from camp, the good times we've all had together, and the bond that somehow forms between all of us. I hate that it's all going down in smoke now, but more than I hate that camp will never be the same, I hate that it's all turning out to be so...twisted and uncamp-like.

Camp was the first place that I felt like I was truly me, and with people who were also just themselves around me. All the goofiness, ridiculous games and tricks and crazy skits, the sketchiness, working out with girls I loved, getting to know each other inside and out, running around at 3 in the morning, and also just feeling like I truly belonged somewhere, and that I always had those people to return to each year was such a big part of my growing up. I had at least 10 people I could always turn to to talk to there, and everyone was just so involved in me and in camp. Seeing someone from camp during the year automatically brightened my day, and I was and am always excited to see anyone from camp. It really saddens me that now, it seems like I won't have that to return to, or if I do, it will be so different I'm not sure I would want to go back.

I wish that, if camp has to end, at least it could end peacefully, without all the fighting and disagreement and seemingly sneakiness. I wish that people would agree or at least be more respectful about the end. I wish that the whole entire issue that brought most of this about would just disappear, because it's not right, nor just, and he doesn't deserve that. I hate that I have no way of dealing with any of this, that it's completely out of my hands even though the entire thing is such a big part of who I am. Much as I can't stand to think that camp won't exist anymore, that I won't have that to return to and that other girls won't have the chance to get what I've gotten out of camp for themselves, I wish that this would all just be settled and over with and, maybe the best solution is just for it to be over.

Arg.