mixed.

this post needs to be split into two parts, the positive and the negative.

i have so much to be thankful for that i can't really say everything i would want to here. i'm thankful that i have my family, that they love and support me, and that i could ask them for anything in the world and they would drop anything they were doing to come help me. i'm thankful for all the people i have met and become close with this year, and especially that i joined theta. even though i doubted my choice for awhile, it's become more than clear to me that i made the right choice. i know i could turn to any of you for good times, love and support when i need it, for someone to keep me sane, and just about anything else. i'm so glad i have that at school, and i'm thankful for each and every one of my sisters!

i'm thankful for five star, for all that it's given me through all these years, that i know i can always go back there and find people that love me, that i am always welcome there. i'm thankful i got to experience camp and meet all the amazing people there to share the greatest times of my life with, that i have a great support network there and people i love to death and can call on at any moment, and who i know i'll keep up with for the rest of my life because of that unique bond.

thanksgiving always remind me of how lucky i am to have so many great people in my life, to have the food and other things i need, to be able to go to college, and many other things. which of course always reminds me of all the other people out there who don't. how people can't afford to eat on any day of the year, let alone thanksgiving. how in some places people couldn't leave their house for fear of being killed. how over half the world lives on less than $2 a day. in some ways, i always feel like i've been given too much. but, at the same time, all these problems in the world, it's not like they're impossible to solve. if we all gave a little, gave some time or money or anything to these problems, they could be solved. we all just need to care a little bit more, if we put the effort, people everywhere could be living so much better than they are now. all today, i just think about how lucky i am to be eating so much food, to be in a warm house on a cold day, and to feel safe where i am. everyone could have that, with a little more compassion in this crazy world.

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i don't want and am not able to talk much about what's going on with everything. i wish this had never happened, i wish people weren't such fucking backstabbers, i wish i could just talk to him, i wish i could say that everything will be ok, but i don't know. we all just have to sit here and hope and watch while being muffled and while everything goes down the drain. i can't imagine how hard it is for you all who are in the families, but my prayers are with you. i just curled up in my bed last night a cried, because i know people will fight hard, but certain things are over forever, which is hard to accept after they were the single biggest joy in my life for so many years. i just hope that everything will turn out ok.

Saw Devil Came on Horseback today. I forgot how much movies like that really get to me, not in the sense that they upset me because of all the disturbing images as much as I always feel like someone's grabbing something inside my chest and twisting because I get so antsy. I feel uncomfortable that I'm sitting in a room full of food, with a giant movie screen, and a cell phone in pocket while these people have nothing. And I mean nothing. I guess things like this also have sort of a duel effect, where it reminds me why I'm here and also makes me severely question while I'm here, if that makes any sense. Something like genocide just completely blows my mind. How it comes about and is carried out is astonishing, but what always really gets to me is that this has been happening for four years. And nothing has changed. All the information I see, the stories and situations that are portrayed in newer movies, it's all the same stories over and over that I've been hearing for four years. Why has nothing been done? What more evidence or suffering do people need to see before something actually gets done?! Genocide is supposed to be the greatest crime against humanity there is, and even though it's been called so, and has been proven, in the eyes of most, to be genocide, nothing has been done. Hundreds of people are dying every day because of our inaction, and the death toll just keeps getting higher. This whole notion and inaction is just utterly ridiculous at this point. Over 400,000 people have died, and 3 million people are displaced. And the international community stands by, watching...

The discussion after the movie was definitely interesting, although one of the panelists frustrated me a bit. He just seemed like he thought he knew more than he did, that he understood things he didn't, and his choice of words I at least found frustrating. Hearing the man from Darfur was very very interesting, his background was really unique and I liked hearing his perspective on things.

Basically, tonight solidified my need to do something soon before I go stir crazy with all this energy I have.

the long and winding road...

I'm nervous that everything is coming back. I thought it was done, over with, gone, but no. I wish this didn't happen to me, that I wasn't like this, that I could change myself, something I used to be able to do so effortlessly. It doesn't seem to be like that anymore.

breathing.