unexpected lessons.

this whole episode, while it's not over for sure, and while it's still going to get worse before better, i feel like has already taught me so much about many things, and mostly just about me. i freaked out, there's no point in hiding it. i just completely lost every sense of what was up, what was down, and where everything was in between. i, as my coach rightly pointed out, was letting everything that was happening consume me. i think it was partially that my entire high school world was truly crashing down around me, and everything (or, most everything) that i had loved for six years was just going up in flames. and there was, and still is, a certain part of me that feels like i should be thinking about this, because all the people i truly love are going through such a hard time right now, and i feel awful that they should have to go such a terrible thing that isn't right and they don't deserve. and, i felt guilty that i had this escape, that came back here and could, if i chose to, leave all of that behind me for a little while. i can't believe it's only been a week and half since all of this started; i feel like it has been more than a month. i had lost the resilience i always used to pride myself in in high school, that no matter how bad things were, no matter how stressed i was, i could always put a smile on, and at least be happy for most of the day, and push whatever was bugging me out for a little while. this past week, i couldn't pull that out, because i finally let something really get to me, which i don't think i've ever done, maybe because very few things of this magnitude have happened to me, or maybe because i was more guarded and protectionary until coming here broke at least a little of that down. it's just interesting though, i've learned a lot about what will get to me, in both positive and negative aspects, through all of this. what finally made me stop thinking about this all the time and freaking out about every little detail was just my coach saying something as simple as, they wouldn't want this for you. and on a positive end note, i've found a lot of comfort in some expected and some unexpected places.